Yesterday over some amazingly delicious sushi, a wonderful friend and I were talking about sex…..when the cause of soooo many problems in life hit me upside the head….
We NEVER talk about sex!
That’s the problem – AND the opportunity…. Not only for all the frustration, anxiety and letdowns in the bedroom, but also all the frustration, anxiety and letdowns in any other area of our lives.
Fortunately, we have the opportunity to discover just how powerful sex and intimacy can be for freeing ourselves from the inside out – through reducing our inhibitions, enhancing our self-image, exploring what we enjoy and trusting ourselves and our partner in charting new territory and discovering what we don't even know we like until we try it. In other words, sex and intimacy have the power to help us discover ourselves, to be who we are, and to accept and embrace all that we are – all in the most intimate and vulnerable situations available.
Sex, intimacy and unconditional love all have the power to open ourselves up and to see and experience who we truly are – and know and believe that we are good enough and are worthy of enjoying some of the most wonderful pleasures two humans can share together.
Who knew? I thought it was just sex!
So as my wonderful friend and I were enjoying our rolls and great conversation, she mentioned how she is learning about the female body and what turns women on and what doesn’t – and that even two women, when together, don’t really understand what their partner truly wants or doesn’t want. I can see why guys don’t know what pleasures a woman – but you would think a woman would know about another woman, right?
According to scientific evidence and the website dedicated to understanding and enhancing pleasure for women, https://www.omgyes.com/ - most women don’t have a clue about what pleasures other women……
Because they (and we) don’t talk about it….
Simply put, we (men and women) avoid talking about sex with our partner because we are dodging our biggest fear as human beings - that we may not be good enough. Unfortunately, we learned from the cultures that we were raised in that talking about sex in general is taboo. Add to that the pressure that if you do talk about sex with your partner you may find out that they want you to change something or do something different or not do something – or that they are not having the orgasm you think they should be having…..or that maybe they fake it most of the time…..Wow! That’s got potential pain written all over it. If our partner wants something besides what we are already doing, that could only mean one thing - that we are doing it wrong / they want something else – or in other words, we are not good enough.
Reinforcing this belief is absolute grounds for avoiding the subject all together….and we know what happens when we avoid the subject…..it only gets worse and worse as time goes on. No wonder sex therapy – and the porn industry – are such thriving businesses in today’s world...
So, what can we learn from this? Well, many things, but for the purpose of this blog about personal and professional growth, what we can learn is that when we are afraid of talking about something in our lives – that’s the cue to talk about it. Knowing most of us aren’t talking about sex, where else is this type of fear showing up in our lives?
There is only 1 way to develop and nurture the belief that we are good enough – to chip away at the outdated and non-serving belief that we are not good enough. Talking about the subjects we are fearful of talking about is a great start – and taking action and embracing the activities that we are afraid to experience, like sexual intimacy and exploration, is even more powerful in updating old beliefs that no longer serve us. And the more and more we believe that we are good enough – then the more and more lyf becomes happier, more fulfilling, more successful and more complete in the way that we have envisioned it.
So, start talking about sex! And let’s start talking about all other areas of our lives that we have been holding back on out of fear. Find someone who you know who will listen and do their best to understand while holding what you share in confidence – and share away! Fears are like a deep breath - when we hold them in, they accumulate energy and eventually things can get really bad. Alternatively, when we let them out, they lose their built-up energy, we feel completely relieved - and only then are we ready to breathe again. Last time I checked, breathing is kind of important, and so is releasing our fears, discovering who we are and sharing all of who we are – while knowing that we are good enough.
Keep Goin! And enjoy the experience of talking about sex and everything else that helps us feel good after we share it with someone else.